My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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