LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
