my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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