There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
