im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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