I heard we made out
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
