I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
