the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
