I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
