thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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