I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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