Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
