I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
