oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
