I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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