If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
