we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize