Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
