I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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