I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
