Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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