if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
