He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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