So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
