just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
