It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
