guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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