Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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