She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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