every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
