I feel like abortions should bother me more
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
