I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
be right there i have to get my cape
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
