i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
