Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
