the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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