sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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