Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
