oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
