He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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