everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
