I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
