Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
