I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
