Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
