My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
