Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
