Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
