hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
