He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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