So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
